Most people don’t know how to support those who are grieving a loss.
In the USA, it is common to send flowers and go back to our lives. We expect people to “process” quietly and bounce back quickly. We make grief something to get through, not something to be held in. Society hands us a broken script when it comes to supporting a friend or loved one who is grieving a loss.
"Let me know if you need anything."
"They're in a better place."
"At least they're no longer in pain!"
Most of what we say to people experiencing grief is, unintentionally, more about easing our own discomfort than about offering genuine support. We often try to make it better or “fix it.” We often can try to take away that family member or friend’s pain. However, this is not what they need, their loss cannot be fixed.
Other cultures understand this differently:
The Irish wake keeps you surrounded by people for days, Jewish tradition calls for mourners to be visited, fed, cared for, and many other cultures build in rituals that say: you are not alone in this, and we will not look away.
Showing up for grief doesn't require the right words- it requires presence, consistency, and small, repeated acts of care.
Say things like “Thank you for telling me.”
“It means so much to know what you are going through.”
“I’m so sorry.”
Ask a question: “Tell me more,” or “What has this felt like for you? “
The website What’s Your Grief has some thought-provoking articles on what to say and what not to say to those who are grieving. Their articles, “64 of the Worst Things Ever Said to a Griever” and “64 of the Best Things Ever Said to a Griever” provide insight into how well-meaning words can be helpful or hurtful. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to comforting someone amidst their grief. The important thing is to not offer advice, but instead offer unwavering support and a steady presence to the griever.
The goal is to communicate to the person that you are in this with them and you can tolerate whatever feelings they are having. The gift of your attention and presence is the best way to comfort someone dealing with grief. They need to know that they are not alone and that you can handle their sadness, grief, or anger.
To comfort someone you don't have to get it perfect - you just have to show up.
At The Pearl Project, we hope that our product "The Unfolding: Navigating Grief & Loss' Gift Box is a helpful guided experience for navigating loss in all its forms for yourself or a loved one. The gift includes a question deck that allows for guided conversations with loved ones, as well as a guidebook, and a blanket — a symbol of warmth, connection, and the natural unfolding of grief, while providing tangible comfort for you or a loved one to hold onto.